Anna Marie Tendler is a complicated woman, and my feelings after reading her memoir are complicated too.

 TW: mentions of psychiatric hospitals, self-harm, suidicial ideation, disordered eating, depression, anxiety, general discussion of mental illness

“Men Have Called Her Crazy: A Memoir” follows artist Anna Marie Tendler in early 2021 as she voluntarily “checked herself into a psychiatric hospital following a year of crippling anxiety, depression and self-harm.” At this time, she is also mid-divorce with comedian John Mulaney, which is likely a significant reason why a lot of people wanted to read this book (spoiler: he isn’t mentioned explicitly, this is her story.) 

The subject matter of this book is heavy. Tendler discusses her long history of depression, anxiety, self-harm by cutting herself with scissors, disordered eating, suicidal ideation, her difficult relationship with her mother, her storied dating history, her career high and lows, and her struggle to get the mental health support she truly needed.

The memoir bounces back and forth between her time in the hospital and “how did I get here moments,” often focused on her past relationships with men, frequently where there is an unequal power balance due to age or financial status.  

The sections of the book focused on the hospital offered a unique perspective on what getting a mental health diagnosis/diagnoses can entail and the liberation you can feel when you finally have a name for what you’ve been struggling with. 

Upon receiving her formal diagnoses Tendler tells her doctor, “I’ve learned so much and I’ve gotten so much out of hearing words put to the emotions I’ve been experiencing throughout the course of my life.” That validation is so important when you’re struggling with your mental health, and I appreciated the openness of those moments throughout the book. I’ll admit I even cried a couple times. 

Critics have called the book too “male-centered,” but given the title, and the anxieties that Tendler is working through in her mental health journey related to past trauma, I believe that there was a choice to structure the memoir the way Tendler did. 

However, it’s clear Tendler hates men. She discusses this at length throughout the book. She doesn’t trust the male doctors at the hospital. She doesn’t want to talk to the male patients at mealtimes. She mentions she’d prefer to have daughters if she were to have children. When she’s a year into her recovery process and starts dating again - she is disappointed by the men she meets.

I’ll admit, I did find this to be a bit much. While she certainly detailed some difficult past relationships with men, the amount of vitriol didn’t seem quite justified without a bit more context. Believe me, I know we live in a patriarchal society, and it hurts us all (yes, men, too), but I found this motif to be one of the least interesting Tendler explores. 

Another sticking point for some readers is how Tendler discusses her career, which has not followed a traditional arc. She went to cosmetology school but never passed the board exams, so she was a shampoo girl. She studied photography for a bit. She designed Victorian lampshades. She has a master’s degree in costume studies. To her credit, she admits that she has often depended on her romantic partners' income and acknowledges the privilege in that. 

I’ve seen a chorus of reviews stating that Tendler should “get a real job” or a reality check of some kind, and while I understand that it is easy to look at a late-thrities, white woman, living in a Victorian house in the Connecticut countryside, making a living as an artist and think negatively of that, but can we also acknowledge that not everyone is suited to work a desk job and the world also needs artists? I find the mindset a little tiresome to be honest, let the woman be an artist if that’s what makes her happy. 

In conclusion, while I understand where the critiques are coming from, this memoir is an emotionally moving read about a woman experiencing one of the hardest seasons of her life and getting the mental health support she needed to become stronger. And at the end of the day, I really can’t be upset about that. 

3 / 5 stars

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/203931803-men-have-called-her-crazy